I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
