Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
