I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
