I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
