my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
