sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
