fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
