It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
