I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
we're making bets on your personal life
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
