Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
