five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
