did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
