Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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