I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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