That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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