Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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