Soap is not a condiment
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
