No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
