I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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