I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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