i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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