My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
