dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
