Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
