Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Are we still banned from the library?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
