He kissed a someone with a penis
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
