Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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