So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
