she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
