I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
