When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
