Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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