hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder meâ€
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