then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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