my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
