Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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