can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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