That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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