im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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