party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
