He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
