I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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