Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
