and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
