I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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