I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
