I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
