If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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