um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
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