If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
