Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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