I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
don't judge my taste in strippers
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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