Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
our cab driver is having phone sex.
there was a trapeze. enough said
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
