I need to stop coming to work sober
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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