Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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