so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
