Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
